There’s really no wrong or right way in doing this so here it goes.

I found out I was pregnant in September 2015, on his birthday to be exact! Lol. I don’t know, I just remember feeling sleepy all the time and this constant need to be around him (oh yes, it’s real). So before we went out that night to celebrate his birthday he went to buy a test. We had slipped up a night in late August so we when my period was late it was more like validation in a sense. We lived really close to each other so I got the test and did it before going out. Keep in mind, I was only in fifth form in high school while this all was happening and he was just turning 19. I told him (as a matter of fact I showed him) the results over dinner.

We thought long & hard about what to do. We did research on procedures, remedies, and he started applying for work everywhere he could. We were just confused! After reading over the weeks, I knew the procedure isn’t by any far cheap, but nor was raising a human being. I was two months along when I did it. At the time, no one really knew -just the two of us and our best friends (you know I had to express myself to someone & my hunger lol).

Because it took a while, we got so attached, which made it harder to go through with it. I was always forgetful, hungry and constantly throwing up, hiding it wasn’t easy. Everything was just emotionally draining. But give Ceaser what due to him, I wouldn’t have survived if it I didn’t have his support through it all. 

I remember nights of us just crying together and talking to our baby (he was convinced it was a girl because I craved his presence and was calmer when he was around). 

Eventually, we told his older sister who’s an angel and was super supportive and caring. All three of us when to see the doctor in Ocho Rios the first day where he explained the two-day procedure carefully, then I went into a sperate room and he inserted two pills. I was given two additional pills along with painkillers and a prescription and was told to sit over a pan of hot water twice a day. 

He and I went back two days after, this was the day I was put to sleep DID NOT FEEL A THING and he did the suction. Woke up about three hours later a little dizzy… luckily I wasn’t alone at home. I took my meds and the following week went for a follow-up and everything was good. THANK GOD!

But how could this reach me again? In 2017 I found out I was pregnant again! All of a sudden the scent of ganja was the most disgusting thing I could smell. I mean I was in college now & weed was life, so right then and there I knew what was up. I was leaving in a few weeks, ticket bought & everything. So his friend his same best friend had just gone away on that work & travel thing, so he had gone and asked his friend to help us out with the other procedure. Which he did without question. I went back to the same doctor and luckily everything was done on time and correctly.

Do the decisions still affect me? You know while I did internalise a lot of how I felt and was at peace with the fact that he and I were “on the same page”, I have never stopped feeling disgusted with myself for what I have done. 

It was easier to deal with when I thought that we would be boned forever… but no. He migrated last year, and we are no longer dating, who’s gonna want to be with me now?  

His move was a trigger for me emotionally but this pushed me to my breaking point. His best friend’s girlfriend and I had an altercation last summer and the first thing she said was “send back me man money come weh him send yuh man fi you dash weh belly” Believe me when I say I wanted to drop down right there and then. Although we aren’t together anymore, his friend did apologise and said in his defence she “read his messages”. 

I still haven’t recovered from hearing it out loud, you know, I’m a ‘dash weh belly gal’. 

Maybe it’s because it was coming from somewhere close, mouth and mouth meet, people say what they want to hurt you when you argue. But it different when dem actually know! And it was a girl I admired, shit hit me hard. That and the fact that I never felt closure in the way he handled it.

Between that encounter, social media shadey attacks and the breakup. Suicide was my last try, fail attempt luckily

Now I just take it easy & listen to music or work out when I find my thoughts leading back to the darkness.